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Demotte, IN, United States
Abuse doesn't stop at the court room. Melinda has shared her battles in her life and through the court room as she navigates through the legal system Bringing encouragement, insight and empowerment to those that are in a abusive relationship. She is in the process of creating a new life, speaking engagements to "Break the Silence" of abuse, while putting a face to abuse. She is currently working on writing a book about her experiences as a Survivor.View short Bio here- http://www.patheos.com/blogs/ahappymedium/2013/02/notbrokenbutbrave/

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Light a candle for Domestic Volience

Well my Dear Blog reader, today marks the 6th year that we left our abuser, it has been a wild ride! Not always in a good way!

These past few years have given me new insight on life. I have a more optimistic attitude that everything will work out right. The craziness of our divorce is over but there are still random irritating moments when my ex comes out of the darkness to cause some anxiety around the household.

Time has allowed me to begin healing, finding myself. None of which are happened at the hurried pace I wished for. It took time to get where I am and it will take time to heal. Realistically, I'm looking to challenge myself to try new things (see my picture in my Beekeeping outfit!), look at my Bucket List post.

Now that time has passed you would think my ex would move on. . . well he has, kind of. I receive messages from him and hear from friends that he still mentions his love for me and that he holds on to hope we will be together.

I can't help but feel the willies. I still look over my shoulder, I still carry my pistol, I do need to brush up on my self defense skills and I do still feel paranoid when I'm out.

Sad news, earlier this week my ex Mom-in-law passed away. I have to admit I have mixed feelings of her passing. The history between my ex's family and myself has been interesting.  I don't wish to say anything negative about it. There has been some good times and support. I don't believe some of the family realizes the severity or intensity of the relationship that I have/had with my ex.

In attempting of trying to set up a time to visit, my first plan fell through and my second plan went to crap in a hand basket fast! I had a plan to have an aunt on Rob's side distract him for a little of time so my eldest daughter and I could pay our respects. For some reason she took it upon herself to tell my Rob! He had stated it would be fine but he did not want Terry there, I was flabbergasted! Why did she tell him the plans? So this would give him time to plan some slick move?! I told her forget about it and asked why she screwed us? She didn't understand the issues. I explained Rob had molested my daughter and I want to keep her out of harms way and Rob threatened to kill Terry and I again last year, Hence the Order of Protection... DUH!  She remained cool throughout the call, I must have sounded like a rambling Momma Bear. I didn't care what I sounded like, I'm not family anymore. I don't feel I have to be "nice" anymore. Maybe it's age, maybe it's that I am tired of the whole dang situation. Maybe I just want peace.

I had worked it out to another way to have my eldest pay her respects, another trusted family member to get her there before the services start. I just was informed that we should refrain from going. That Rob is causing too much of a stink. . . I didn't wish to start drama but that happens with him. This reminds me of what happened when my ex father in law passed.

I have to admit to feeling some relief about the news, at least we tried!  Hope your day is filled with joy! Please share this post with anyone you think maybe in a abusive situation. Remember to stay safe!







Friday, February 13, 2015

Escaping the past

"I didn't take my meds today, do you really want to make me angry? I'm not kidding, I will bash your face in when I get home. *CLICK* "

As the hours would go by my stomach would turn in knots as time crept by until he arrived home. I felt like a child waiting for his parent to come home for a spanking after being caught doing something. More often than not, I was in trouble for not calling someone he asked me to or paying a bill. Nothing earth shatter. Though my children and I lived in a continual cycle of trying to please a person that could never be pleased.

I would never go back to someone that has any unstablity issues. I will not allow myself to go back.

If you have been with me on my journey thank you for reading. I don't post as often as I had in years past for numerous reasons. The most important reason is that I really want to move on. I want to shake the past from my bones and forget about it. I don't wish to be defined by my past, yet I don't wish to have my story fade away. I'm still not out of the dark. I still receive messages from my ex with sweet nothings and proclaiming his undying love for me. Which is very creepy as we are now almost to the 6 year anniversary of leaving.

I can't get past the physical scars my body holds both seen and unseen. Of course there is the special present of HPV and HSV2 that I have, a constant reminder of the past. There is a special birthday on November 17th that does not go by without me thinking of my eldest Son that I haven't seen in the past 5 years, phone calls I have made to him briefly are one sided and usually are followed up by nasty text messages about how horrible I am/was.

I know in my heart of hearts this isn't true. No I am not perfect but nor am I a monster that my ex has created. The damage is far beyond just a few names. I linger onto hope that someday my Son and I will be able to talk and see one another without me fearing my safety.

How can someone be so taken with another person so seemingly blindly?
The cold splash of reality is that my ex buys love. He is a sweet talker. He was profiled by a counselor as "Ted Bundy".

The thought of him abusing (sexually or otherwise) is still a thought. I may never know.  It's horrible to think that way but knowing what he did to our daughter, I have no doubts.

I think I can walk away from the past but sometimes it seems like a hug from a person you don't like very much and there is no way to run away from it. That's kind of how I feel, there is no escaping the past. Granted it's "Not in your face" anymore and for this I am thankful and I am not meaning to sound whiney.

I have the privilege of having victims and friends of those in abusive situations contact me. Most are just wanting to bend an ear, to see if they are making the right decision to consider leaving or maybe have a thought they are being abused but perhaps maybe it's all in their minds.

Every situation of abuse is different. You can not compare my experiences to yours. Each one is unique, some are more verbal, or emotional or sexual or physical. Many of the same behavioral patterns of these "Gaslighters", "Narcissist" or whatever you want to call them are similar! More often then not, it may seem like abusers maybe related!

Dear blog reader, whatever stage of abuse you are in, please know you are not alone! Whether you are a Man, Woman, old, young, white, black, or what have you, abuse has not boundaries! You can break free of the bondage of abuse. Take the steps to keep yourself safe.



Those first few weeks after I left, I have to admit that I was terrified. Scared he would find me, (he did) and more afraid I wouldn't make it on my own. (I did!!) I listened to dozens of break up songs- "I'm a Survivor" blaring on my radio, watching movies like "Enough" "Sleeping with the Enemy" and "The Burning bed" fueled my resolve that I in all honesty I wish I were stronger or well trained to take the SOB down.
I fantasized about that, knowing deep down it's not for me to do. He will be judged someday and I had to search myself rather then live in fear and just think of getting even that I needed to restore my spirit and build up my kids to know everything was going to work out and I am still a work in progress.

It's not easy. Myself and dear friends have battled with the insanity of not only an ex but our legal system that can swing to the way of the abuser if you are not careful! This means covering your behind! Document! Document! Document any and all conversations you have, whether text, email or voice mails.
I suggest not replying back if you can help it but gauge it by situation. Example, if your ex states he needs to change your visitation day, sure reply. But if conversation starts going south STOP replying! Don't antagonize your abuser by making nasty remarks, this could backfire on you in court or with legal authorities! Be the bigger person! Besides you aren't with this person anymore and do not need to be at his/her beck and call anymore!

Depending on your situation look into a Guardian ad Litem, which is an Advocate for your children and this person can be a value to you!

The legal system can be very rough. Things may not turn as you thought they may so prepare yourself, educate yourself about your states or countries laws. Learning all I could to help me, made me feel empowered and to some degree control.

Take time to rebuild yourself now, not later! Steps can be as small as Positive Affirmations, counseling or maybe a large step to go back to school! (See blog post on Positive Affirmations)

You CAN do this!

Everytime I wonder about my path, I look back and will soon have a day of rememberance when I left my abuser for the final and last time upcoming on Feburary 25th, which was Ash Wednesday in 2009. I hate to call it a time of celebration or anniversary. Rememberance fits better. So, when I find myself wanting to run from my past I think about that time of escape. The fear leading up to that day and the intensity of emotions I was going through. Time seemed to stand still and that appeared to be the longest day that I can think of. I have contact from other survivors or abusers and that serves as a reminder that I need to embrace my past. Not try to relive it, but that I have learned alot from it, which in turn my story has helped others still locked in a place of distress, sadness and worry. My story is here to let others know they are not alone and that they count!

So Dear blog reader, whether this is the first time your read my blog, please keep faith and know you matter! If you need to talk to someone please call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline (800)799-7233 or (800)787-3224 TTY.

Now for my news! I try not to post too much about personal things going on in our live for safety reasons.(My ex and Son read my blog)

My family and I will be hitting the road travelling through the US in a few short years in hopes to go where we are needed; I hope to speak out against Domestic Abuse and meet other advocates I have met during my journey, also to help others for various organizations, or farmers or whereever the good Lord plants us. We will be travelling in a school bus in which my handy Hubby is in process of remodeling!

We are all very excited! I have a countdown going on and we are purging our belongings, as there is not alot of room in a bus! So stay tuned for news about our adventures! Honestly, 6 years ago I would have never thought I would be in the place of bliss I am right now. So, please don't give up hope! It can happen for you!

BIG HUGS and PRAYERS!
Mel

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

It's all your fault!

"Can't you do anything right?!"
"Your useless"
"Your the reason why everything is wrong with our lives!"

Sound familiar? Sometimes I am my worst enemy!

The voices in my head constantly beat me up. They break me down. Tell me that I am not worthy. They tell me that I will never be any good. That everything I do useless.

The early years of leaving my abuser were rough. Looking in the mirror, I stared at a person that looked beaten up, as though the years had sapped all the gladness from her face. I looked at a stranger. I was unsure who I was.

For a very long time I was nothing.

As time has progressed the aches and pain of a broken spirit are leaving me. I admit I welcome the change like a person enjoys a cool breeze on a hot day.
Now I am rebuilding myself.

Rebuilding myself is taking alot more time and effort then I anticipated. It annoys me that this was not a automatic change.

You are not alone in the feelings you have. It's not your fault. You aren't to blame. The healing process is slow and you may always be on guard for fear of your life.  If you still have to communicate with your abuser, it can be hard to move on. If you children with this person, it can be as though you are taking 2 steps and 2 steps back if your children seems to experience attitude changes towards you. (See Parental alienation on web or blog).

Here are a few tips to help:

Limit your contact with your ex if possible.

Limit cell, emails or text messages to once daily, unless it seems like a valid emergency. If any of these are harassing keep them and alert the authorities!

Never meet abuser alone! Meet in a public setting. This goes for picking up and dropping off during visitations if applicable! Contact your local law enforcement to meet you, they are more then accomodating.

If you go out and about, remember to be aware of your surroundings.  Now don't become obessive. I have a tendency to tune out the world while shopping, this hurt me dearly! My ex had hired someone to follow me early on in the separation when I left him. I was oblivious to this even though I thought I was paying attention. There can be distractions from kids, pets, other family or friends, electronics. Please be mindful! Check your car before you get in, back seat or under car. Check out youtubes for some self awareness techniques or enroll yourself in a course for self defense, many communities offer classes at low or no cost. Also see if you can look over your vehicle for a tracking device.

As I mentioned cell phones before, make sure you have your GPS turned off. If you have a phone that is part of a plan from your abuser, ditch the phone! Get a Pay-as-you-go phone. If you take pictures with your phone and post on social media, if your abuser is savvy enough he/she can locate where you are.

Speaking of social media, check your friends list for those that may be feeding your abuser info, this may be his/her family members or mutual friends. Don't allow everyone to view your profile! There are many settings on these sites that are set up to protect them, don't get sloppy and utilize them!

If you have a laptop/computer from an abuser or they have access please consider not using it. There is sophisicated technology that can be used to track your internet use or he/she can get access to private information.

Update passwords on all of your accounts and childrens accounts as well.

It sounds like a scary way to live, but you are precious and worth it!

Be safe and God bless!
Mel






Monday, November 24, 2014

FIBBER!

I feel like a fraud. 

Rattling on my blog about positive thoughts and feelings, when I didn't feel that way inside, I was talking the talk but not walking the walk.

This puzzled me as I had thought I had forgiven my ex, finding emotions that I had felt were healing or gone have been painfully opened by the events surrounding my older daughter. I have humbled myself before God, family and friends on numerous occasions with tears, prayers and even screaming in the comfort of my car to and from work.

My PTSD in full swing, I feel like a mad woman inside, wanting to run away and throw the covers over my head and never leave the comfort of my home!

It doesn't help the career I am currently in is Customer Services, where during my work week, I, and my co-workers are sprinkled with insults, nasty language and hostility from a wide range of issues. God bless them as they help ground me until I get home.

My spirit is still wounded and trying to heal from the past, moving on the future is very hard! I don’t take confrontation well. I get very fidgety, hurt and start shrinking into myself during a heated or any sort of stern discussion.

I have avoided social media, blogging, reaching out to other survivors, my family and friends, not feeling many understand the depths of emotions and darkness I feel from time to time. While I am in a much better, safe place then ever I feel like I am my worst enemy right now.

I crumble under pressure to maintain and juggle home and job obligations, my current husband, Terry is wonderful at building me up, yet he cannot understand why the girls and I can’t just get on. It’s not logical to him. He can’t fix it or the girls or I, leaving us from time to time in family discussions and situations where one or all of us are in tears.

I feel very much like someone that is fibbing to the world that life is peachy, when it’s not. I dislike the job I have, but love my co-workers, and yet I am thankful I have a job, especially during these times of high unemployment. I enjoy doing various hobbies; I’m scared to just quit doing that full time.

I am letting my joy being stolen from me. The daily little things are worrisome for me for no reason, but I can’t help but dwell on them.

I have been torn between cursing and screaming at the Lord for understanding how my abuser seems to get away with everything! From being able to attempt to harm me on more than several occasions, stalking me, using parental alienation tactics, not paying child support, breaking the numerous Order of Protections and more!

I assumed once I left him that he would be seen for what he is. No matter where I turned it seemed as though he was getting away with everything.

How can this be?! 

I cried, reasoned, yelled and questioned the Lord with how this is okay? How come he continues to seem to get off free?

Though I wavered in my belief that someday he would be held accountable, God has made it clear to me in my heart to be patient.

I felt as like a small child pouting and begging God for some sort of smiting to take place or for someone legally to find a reason to throw the book at him! How can this be?

I’m tired of hiding from my ex and now my eldest son. I live in worry that there will be some harm that comes to my family and me.

“What if they figure out where we live?”

“What if they figure out where the girls go to school or where I work?”

Frustrated and envious of others that has statues on social media that gives them the freedom of not worrying about him stalking me on a random outing.

Stupid right?! Living life in fear is terrible. Even though the probability is super high that anything would happen, the random text or email messages causes me to hiccup and get panicky or worried.

It gets me upset that I allow my abuser to continue to hold me hostage and he doesn't even know he does! I’m feeding my demons by living in fear of living.
Now how can I move on?

I have done much of the things I have rambled on about. I am finding things that give me happiness, outings, learning new things, while my latest craze is teaching myself how to play piano and knocking off a few things off my ever growing bucket list.

Also we are thinking of travelling when the kiddos are on summer break around the nation to visit friends and family.

I toyed with the thought of seeing another therapist but can’t seem to bring myself to do so. The big factor is I have little funds to do so as counseling is very costly.
I need to take my own advice! Pray more. Tear open my box of crayons, glue and glitter to create a vision board for me for my health and sanity. I need to call friends and maybe have a few date nights with my husband, play some more with the kiddos.  

Why write these things?

I want to be genuine and truthful on my journey. There are tears, times of doubt and dark moments.

A year or so ago a dear co-worker had given me a book to borrow, I kind of read it but couldn't get into it totally because that it dealt with a child kidnapped and killed. It wasn't a true story but I couldn't read it and gave it back to her. Well, over a year later I kept seeing that book on the web and whenever I hit thrift store, yard sales and antique shops! I figured these were signs I needed to read it for real this time.

I read it in about 1 ½ days. It was a quick read for me. The end of story reminded me I need to find forgiveness for my ex and that after I found out the information about molesting our daughter I realized I hadn't forgiven him for that.

I also did something I have never done throughout my journey, I screamed.

I screamed at the top of my lungs while driving home. I sobbed. I shook my fist in the air, screaming like a mad woman to the figure of my ex that is burned in my mind. I yelled at God! I yelled at myself for feeling so blind, feeling like a terrible mother.

I felt as though I had been living in the dark. How could I have been so dense? I wanted a pound of flesh! I asked God how can I forgive her father and forgive me for not seeing.

After my tirade, I felt better, yet I could not say the words of “forgiveness”. I still felt angry and out of sorts, as I pulled up to the house, my husband was out to greet me with a big hug. He noticed something was off and mentioned it. I shared my feelings and he reminded me that we are safe now and even though I say the words that it doesn't mean the hurt and pain is going to go away but my heart and spirit will feel free.

This was a big step! That same day, I had received a text message from, supposedly, my eldest son that is living with my ex-husband; the message was a forwarded horoscope about burning down bridges and that even when I think about that person I should consider make amends with someone that has been on my mind. I truly believe that was sent by his father rather than him and found it kind of eerie at the same time.

There is no discussion between him and I still, as he is not reasonable nor will he be civil enough to have any type of friendly relationship with and especially after the information that came to light over the past few months!

So, where does this leave me?

I said the words, I felt at easy saying them and peaceful. Reminding myself that my daughter said she had given it to the Lord and forgave him several months ago.





Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Hold on!

I sat in the break room, half listening to the talk show my co-workers loved to watch during lunch and caught a segment that featured a female guest that endured abuse during her marriage. The host on the show was sympathetic to her and when the partner was announced, the crowd when wild, booing and shouting what a loser he was.

A co-worker voiced how stupid the woman was and how she would have let that guy have it. I piped up that these situations don’t typically start this way and build up. Another survivor of abuse also voiced the same sentiment and added, no one looks to be abused and after a while you believe this is all there is.  The young lady quickly grew quiet and didn’t say another word.

I shook my head, but pondered how many people out there think how “stupid” I must be.  The topic of abuse is a really out in the media due to fascination of how it has effected starts and athletes. While the hearts of those not in this situation may look negatively on the abuser, even more scrutiny is frowned upon the victim.

Unless you have been in an abusive situation or been closely involved with a loved one in this situation, you can never fully understand.  To be honest, there are times I don’t understand how I allowed the abuse to happen, or how I allowed myself to seem blind to the signs of the abuse between my children and myself. 

I am still haunted by my decisions.

I am not a certified authority or legal representative. I am a Survivor, having many hours of research about the subject and mental aspect via books, internet, some college classes and those involved in the medical and legal profession.

I have gleaned many things from a great support system that has allowed me to heal from my experiences. I can’t say I know everything nor do I profess to say I have the magical answer for you, but I can share what has worked for my situation in order for me to move on to a living a healthy future.

It breaks my heart to hear stories from other victims that feel as though there is no hope. The sinking feeling that you are stuck in a bad relationship or getting screwed over by our legal system can make you feel as though you will never break free of the cycle of darkness that seems like it hangs over you like a cloud.

Abuse is found in every race, religion, sex. As many forms as it is found it, you can also find various forms of abuse, from financial, sexual, religious, parental, bullying, verbal, mental, emotional and more.  I am in awe at the levels of depravity that is inflicted on another.  I really do not understand it. Even as I was going through it, I didn't understand. How one person can do such awful or horrifying things to another person or animal is beyond me. Or worse there is no remorse from the abuser.
I could still see in my mind’s eye my abuser standing over me with a belt in hand, smirking. Telling me that I deserved whatever it was he was dishing out. 

I have a hard time with the thought that, it’s because he is mentally sick or unstable, so in the medical profession that makes it okay?

I mentioned before that I had to hit rock bottom before I woke up to really listen to my inner self to know this was not right. I prayed to God to just take me to end the pain, yet, knowing in the back of my mind that would leave my kids at the hands of a mad man.

I had to face my own demons, dig deep for strength, I read my Bible, prayed and scoured over passages to find validation that we were meant for more. I found it in the pages of that Bible. Later several people would enter into my life briefly to serve as a reminder. I truly believe they were sent from God as a reassurance that everything would be OK, not to give up and to HOLD ON!

Stay safe and God bless you on whatever stage of your journey you are on!

Thursday, October 9, 2014

"I don't want to be alone."

"What if I never find love?"
"What if I never find someone to never hurt me again?"
"I don't want to be alone"
"I'm damaged goods and no one will ever want me"
"How come I keep attracting such losers?"

Sound familiar?

I've said those words. I've thought those thoughts. I have been there. I have been in a crowded room feeling more lonely then ever.
It's a tough situation. Especially when your heart is feeling like it is twisted and torn apart.

Perhaps your thinking, "Seriously, Melinda!? I'm so not thinking about anyone right now!" Maybe not, but there may come a time when you get a hankering for a companion.

So thoughts on this?

How about a pet! A fish, four legged critter or something that slithers! Animals are very grounding, loving and can just melt away much the tension from a love lost or abusive situation. A plus is a cat or dog can make an excellent alarm system for you if things are hairy with an ex.

"How can I ever trust a man/woman again!?"

Baby steps! Healing needs to be a priority! Your mind, body and spirit can be off kilter, making you feel moody, depressed and unsure of yourself.

I felt very unworthy, ugly and just plain unlovable for over a year later after finally leaving my ex. No matter what my family and friends did to try to give me kind compliments and boosting me, I didn't believe any of it. Looking in the mirror was something I rarely did for long periods of time. Feeling ashamed to look myself in the eye.

I hated that woman in the mirror. She was a coward, stupid and a waste of flesh. She was someone that allowed a monster harm her children and herself. Digging out of the darkness and into the light was a challenge. The smile that was plastered on my face for so long was forced, painted on and not genuine. A friend encouraged me to look at myself in the mirror, telling myself as I looked myself in the eye that I loved myself, that I was beautiful and worthy to be loved. This took time! I couldn't do it at first, half chuckling and feeling foolish. That was hard, but why?

I left my abuser! Why didn't I feel better? Why didn't I feel better about me?

I can be my own worst enemy.

I begun to pour over self help books, positive affirmations, making myself vision boards, creating goals and wishes for me. Eating better, exercising more and finding out what I wanted in life for me and my kids.

Over the past few years I have been in and out of counselors offices. My favorite counselor, Kim, excused herself from our case due to threats and fear of my ex. This sadden me and the girls, since we all loved her. She was like a old friend that we could tell anything too and left the visit with dried tears but yet comforted. After that I never found that feeling again, also after leaving my last counseling session, I felt worse then when I went in!

What's a girl to do? I began to do meditation, started to journal and blogging again. I started to find things I always wanted to learn and do. Enter a reawakening of my spiritual journey! I thirsted for the living water that I only found in my Bible and church (a great KJV Bible believing church!). On this journey I have found healing of my spirit and self and met a bunch of wonderful people in the mean time.

I created a Bucket List, as suggested, by my then boyfriend, Terry. He suggested to think of as many big, outlandish or small things that tickle my fancy. View my Labels for my previous post for my list!

I have to admit that I am very blessed to have found someone that is supportive, loving and caring so quickly after leaving my abuser. I wasn't looking for love at that time. I really wanted to run off in the woods with my kids and become a homesteader living off the land. I did get part of that! I didn't bargain for love, but have thanked God for him.

Trust your instincts if you begin your journey on healing. Keep yourself safe and if you have kids or furbabies, see how they interact with the new person you let in. BUT, do so with an open mind. Even though you really like this person, most kids and dogs can be an excellent judge of a person!

In a nutshell, you don't have to be alone, but you do need to be safe, take it slow and be open to other friends and loved one's when you do let someone into your life again. You will get there, believe me but it takes time. Don't rush it!

God bless and big hugs!
Mel



Tuesday, September 9, 2014

I poked the bear!


I did it!
I couldn't help myself!
I thought deeply and searched my heart before doing so. . .

I reached out to my eldest son. I was nervous as I waited for him to pick up. I fumbled for words and managed to spew out, "Howdy, Matt, it's Mom, er, Melinda, I just wanted to say I hope your doing well."

AGH!

There was a pause, than he began to say I wasn't supposed to have his number. There is nothing legally stating I could not call him. He kept on for another minute, telling me "Melinda, you can't contact me." and more. I could feel a lump forming in my throat and tears stinging my eyes, I ended quickly with a warm message to say I was thinking about him and hope he has a great day.

About a half hour later, my cell phone was blasted with 16 text messages. None of them friendly.

Who was I kidding? I guess part of me hoped and wished he would have said something like, "Mom? I missed you!" or "I have been thinking about you too!"

My co-workers are so caring to support and lift me up. I was laughing after a bit which helped lift my spirits.

I didn't get any of that. I had Terry check the messages when I got home. I was a blubbery mess at work, half due to the conversation and half because the hopeful bubble I created prior to making the call was popped.

The messages hit about 10 points. None of which have a shred of truth or sanity to them, my guess they are at the hand of my ex.

They range from me saying:

Rob killed animals, belonging to family members and that has proof, as he works with his dad alot and know he knows where he is. (I have no idea what that or who that is about. And that Rob doesn't know where we live.

The stuff in those papers are lies and he always sees the mail first.( I think he means the Protective Order I just filed).

There is more. Honestly I don't understand most of it and I guess I never will. I blame myself for this one, but I deeply wanted to hear my son's voice.  I haven't see him in over 5 years. I keep praying that someday there will be an understanding and healing.

So Dear blog readers, today's lesson. . . Don't poke the bear if you don't need to.

I tell you, I am not a professional and I do flub up along the way.

I keep you in prayer for strength and reassurance for guidance for your situation! And please do the same for me, I need all the help I can get!

God bless!

Mel