What did you do to make him mad?
What did you say?
You know that makes him mad why did you do that?
See the trend?
You never mad him mad! You are not to blame! You did nothing to poke the bear. You have to believe this! Make this your belief or mantra, say it over and over in your mind if you are going through a tough time.
Honestly, personally I didn't want to tick him off when things became nasty. I went above and beyond to try to get things to go as smoothly as possible. Pleasing my Gaslighter was number one on my list in order to make home life tolerable. Even if it meant putting my children on hold, in his mind HE came first. As long as the kids weren't bleeding they were fine. His needs became above and beyond my time with God. "That's what Sunday is for!" he would complain, of course when Sunday came around he made the excuse that God would understand I was to spend time with him. Oh and then it was my fault for making us late to church later in the day.
Oh, sure I enjoyed getting yelled at. Sure, I just enjoyed things getting thrown at me. Sure, I enjoyed being told I was just useless for anything. My favorites, sarcasm, were the "Why do you like making me lose control?" talks. I must like being hit or abused. I must enjoy the punishment. I must get off by getting hit. I must get a thrill from being kicked or punched. SURE!
Why do you make me mad? Can't we just have a nice (Fill in the blank) once?!
Yes, right, I couldn't get enough of the psycho in my face, choking me or slapping me. I enjoyed the Indian rubs until I cried because he rubbed my skin raw while he just laughed and told me I deserve this because I made him mad.
HE CHOOSE to do these things to me!
HE CHOOSE before he made it in the door that he was going to make the night or day miserable.
HE CHOOSE his behavior not me!
And HE had the choice to be responsible for his behavior! He had such a thrill from berating me and the kids. He had a sense of power and control from making us cower and hide from him. Of course he would turn it around and say I turned the kids against him. I must have said something to do that! Or the whole world/family/friends are against him! What must have told them something!
What did I blog about or say to them on the phone? I must have said some kind of code words to make them question his behavior or they acted suspcious when he was around, what did I do?Leaving this man was the best thing I ever did! I should have documented the abuse! I wish I did! I know now I did nothing to provoke him or to "Make him mad". I know now that there was very little I could have done to prevent any of the events besides getting out sooner or telling police, family or friends sooner.
You didn't poke the bear! We are victims and survivors deserving real love! Real love is not abuse of any sort. Real love is not rape, beat, being mentally or emotionally abused. Real love doesn't hurt... Abusers do not know what love is! They know they crave it. They know they say the words but they don't mean it. They don't want to be alone and will say or do anything to keep you where you are!
Time and time again shows abusers do not change! Change only happens when you take a leap of faith, believe and DON'T LOOK BACK!